Be Real

Growing up Halloween was my favorite holiday. Much like every other kid who are up with blue collar parents, I love the idea of getting candy. We weren’t always afford the livery of having multiple flavors of candy at one time. On Halloween night dad would load us in the car and we would hit every possible neighborhood. Some years we would come home with pillow case full of teeth rotting candy. And we would eat as much as we could get away as fast as we could. It was glorious. Although I loved the candy that wasn’t the part of Halloween that captured my heart. I loved to dress up. Halloween offered permission for me to be anyone or anything I wanted to be. If I could find or create the costume then I could be that person. My obsession with being someone else wasn’t confined to Halloween. I became a catcher for my pee wee baseball team because I wanted to be Johnny Bench. Summer days as a little fella would sometimes find me with one of mom’s towels pinned around my neck as I saved Gotham. Me and friend once cleared a hillside of brush with two sticks because in our mind we were Zoro and each bush, briar and sappling represented some sort of bad guy we had to defeat. I loved being someone else.

That is fine for a kid. I had a good imagination. Both of my kids were blessed with their own dose of imagination. I believe it should be embraced by parents. If your a parent let, even encourage, your kids to dress up, pretend and create. Research shows that it actually stimulates the brain and increases learning ability.  

Although it is great in childhood most of us put on a different kind of mask as we mature into adulthood. We cover up the things we consider flaws. We never let anyone, except the closest of friends see the real us. We keep who we really are completely under wraps.  

Some of the cover up is caused by what we perceive of other people. The Jones’ are the perfect family so we have to be too. We cover up the fact that we have some struggles and pretend to be something we are not. The cover up causes stress which then in turn creates conflict and then we have to cover that up, too. It is a viscous cycle of cover up and creating something else to cover up.  

When I cover up the real me, what I am actually doing is building a fence around myself. People in my life never see beyond my mask so they can never truly know me or my story. All of a sudden my ability to influence is fenced off. Tim the tool man would stand at the fence and talk to his neighbor Wilson. He never saw Wilson’s face, he never got beyond the fence. The relationship could only go so far because the fence kept it contained. Our mask do pretty much the same thing. The thing we sometimes miss, is that fences actually serve two purposes. They prevent outsiders from coming in, but they also contain those who are inside them. So, just as Tim was kept on the outside of Wilson’s fence, Wilson was contain inside. The relationship was confined to the barriers. Those barriers can be fences, mask, attitudes and/or differences.  

We also fall into the stereotype of our occupation or role. A lawyer is suppose to act certain way, dress a certain way and associate with a certain class of people. A stay at home, preacher, teacher, janitor all have standards that society has set up. These standards then become our defined way of life. They determine who we rub elbows with, how we act and even where we go. Many of us wear the mask without even realizing it. They confine us to a certain circle of influence and prevent us from being influential beyond that circle. Actually unless you really paid attention to the last chapter you could very well be trapped wearing the mask of your job or role has assigned to you. If so, you may be significant in one socio-economic circle and a stuck up snob to all others. That is ok if you want to live your life on a leach, confined by what the world has determined to be your area of access. I prefer to be “free-range.” Being complex will help to clear away some of the mask that society has set up, but in order to completely be free you will have to be honest about who you are. You’re not perfect, you have flaws.   

It is ok to flawed.  

My daughter was a bit mean as a little girl. I don’t believe it was her goal in life, it just kind of snuck up on her like a ninja and stuck like magnet. Eventually she would grow out of most of her meanness and turn out to be a beautiful princess. But it was touch and go there for a little while. The great thing and only redeemable side of her meanness is that she really never hid it well. When she painted the entire dining room carpet with bright green paint, she was so proud that she danced around in it. Whatever the act of defiance, she never really attempted to hide it. She was just open and honest about whatever the flaw of the moment may by have been. I loved the honesty and laughed a lot about the small acts defiance and pulled my hair out over the larger ones. When confronted with her flaws or disobedience she always owned it. Love her.

The reality is so obvious that we miss it. We are a flawed people. All of us, no matter how perfect we may think we are, have flaws. We are messed up. In our messed up state we are at a crossroads. We have a choice to make. The decision can be intentional or we just float along to one side or the other. We can choose to wear the mask and pretend we are just fine, perfect, good and unflawed. Or, like my daughter we can be honest and can live dancing around as our flawed self.  

I’m in no way suggesting that if you have a character flaw that you can correct that you ignore it and continue living as if nothing is wrong. With corrections and effort we can create improvement in our actions, attitude and character. If you struggle with something that you can fix by all means fix it. But don’t hide the fact that you have something that needs fixed. That just isn’t real. We all are flawed. The Bible says, “all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God”. That word sin actually wasn't original to the church. It is an archery term that means missing the mark. We miss the mark. Sometimes our aim just isn’t true. Sometimes there are outside forces that determine the trajectory of our actions. Other times it may just be a personal weakness in a certain area or our lives. But, we do miss the mark. That doesn’t give us permission to intentionally aim at the wrong target, it just means we are not perfect nor can we be. Own it.

One of my struggles in the Marine Corps was learning to shoot the M16 rifle. I grew up in the South. Although I was/am a bit of a “country boy”, I never really shot rifles very much. We had shotguns and there is a big difference. When you shoot a shotgun you kind of just point and pull the trigger. The shells themselves are made in such a way that a group of small pellets go in the direction of your aim. There is a pattern, but the spread of the shot covers a large area and increases as it travels. You hit a much larger target area. A rifle on the other hand has one single trajectory going down range. Your aim must be true or you miss the target. Shotguns are made to shoot at much closer range than rifles. So when you take one single piece of lead and miss by a fraction at 50 feet the distance of you’re off target increases as it travels farther down range. Most of us aim our influence and simply pull the trigger. We aren’t particularly aiming at anything just pointing inside the fence we have been confined to by our little world. How significant would we be to others if we began to be intentional about our targets and our aim. How much impact could make if we could get outside the fence we have allowed to confine us to a certain hunting ground.

  I also don’t suggest that we glorify our past failures and pretend that it is perfectly fine to intentionally be in the wrong. In my past I struggled with many things. I don’t openly announce that and glorify the fact that I spent a few years spiraling downward. But, I don’t dismiss it either. It is part of who I am. I made it thru some pretty significant struggles and I am a better person because of it. I am a bit embarrassed by some of the things I have done in my past, but I’m pretty sure I would be a different person today had I not travel through some of those flawed times. I don’t glorify them, but I’m not going to hide them. They don’t define who I am now, but getting through them did help shape me. Again, being flawed is normal. Most of the people I know have some kind of skeletons hiding in their closet. Those who don’t are wearing mask, hiding behind fences or just plain lying to themselves.

When we mask our flaws we build a fence that prevents others from ever getting close to who we really are. As a youth minister, I a lot high school boys who would confess their struggle with alcohol abuse. I think they knew they could talk to me about those kind of issues because they were aware that I had the same struggles. Now because there was no mask we could build a relationship that could actually help those who wanted to change. When the fences were torn down and mask remove we could actually get to the heart of our struggles and help one another. We could advance beyond being acquaintances and impactful to being significant. Change happens when we are significant. And it happens in both directions. Significant people impact others and at the same time are impacted.

In case you haven’t notice a life of significance is all wrapped up in your ability to influence others. If you are one sided your influence will be narrowed. If you wear a mask and hide your true character then your influence will be shallow. To get beyond success and into significance you need to have a reaching reality of influence. There are people who need a positive influence and your may be the only option at a particular moment in time. Be ready. That means you have to be available and real. If people never get beyond your mask they will never hear your story. And whether you know it or not you have a story.